Starring:
Ernie and Bert
Oscar the Grouch and Bruno the Trash Man
Big Bird
Donald Grump and Elmo
Sherlock Hemlock
The Count
The left Martian in orange.
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In a land not so far away, where typical things happen almost everyday, lives 2 male muppets on the hard road to achieving legal marriage status.
But this story isn't about their domestic lives, or any other normal thing that happens to you or I, it's just another extraordinary event they face in the test of time.
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"AHA! Look here, Bert. My 'Joke About Jokes' book has another really good joke.", Ernie said with excitement.
"Oh...Ernie, not another one of your 'What vegetable's forbidden on ships?' kind of jokes. The weather's cold enough!", came Bert's nasal voice from behind a pigeon joke book.
"Yes! Yes! Don't you see? The answer was 'leeks'! You know? As in leaks? Haha!", Ernie's replied with some extreme giggling.
Although any one in their right mind would go crazy by now after a whole morning of cold jokes that they really insisted that they didn't want to hear, Bert was almost crazy too. Crazy in love.
Bert gave a long sigh and said, "Okay well, Ernie, we should go out to the beach for a picnic. The weather's starting to get cold and before you know it, it'll be winter and no more rubbing sun tan lotion on me."
"Wh-what!? Did I hear the word 'rub'?", came Ernie's voice from his favourite armchair by the TV, which was technically Bert's before Ernie insisted the purple matched his orange skin better.
Bert saw Ernie's two eyes peeking out from behind his 'Joke About Jokes' book and he could almost visualise his non-existent eyebrows wriggling up and down mischievously.
"Yes, yes, now go put on your yellow sunglasses that you look so hot in and I'll pack the stuff.", said Bert, who was trying to hide his melting heart from Ernie's cock-eyed eyes.
"Oh great, Bert! Don't forget my SPF 150 sunscreen! You don't want a brown Ernie in your bed tonight!"
Bert kept his mouth in a straight line while packing the towels in a basket. Bert would have loved to burst out saying that he'd love Ernie no matter how orange he'd get but he didn't want to boost Ernie's already huge ego. Plus, he'd never leave him alone tonight if he admitted it, he really didn't want to encourage Ernie any further.
So after about 5 minutes of packing up and 30 minutes of Ernie preening himself in the mirror, Bert managed to drag Ernie out of the house to go to the beach.
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To get to the beach, they had to walk past the alley which they met Oscar the Grouch previously on an adventure, where they saved Oscar from a quick fix. This time, they would find that history would be about to repeat itself.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING OAF! LET ME DOWN!!", said Oscar in anger. He couldn't get any greener from his anger.
They saw that Bruno the trash man was grabbing on tightly to Oscar's bin and the green guy in the bin was trashing about trying to get Bruno to put him down. There were scraps of green rubbish flying everywhere from the struggle.
"Oscar! Just hold still! I just want to clear your bin! Some neighbours have been complaining that your bin is giving out a bad odour from all your hoarding of green-coloured trash!", said Bruno through clenched teeth.
"WHAT NEIGHBOURS HUH!? IS IT THAT BIG BIRD!? I KNEW HE'S TOO WEIRD FOR HIS OWN GOOD! HE EVEN HAS PINK RINGS ON HIS LEGS!", shouted Oscar, who meanwhile was using an empty green jar that used to store pickles to hit Bruno on the head repeatedly.
Bert and Ernie looked at each other and knew they had to do something to stop it.
"Yuhoo Oscar!", exclaimed Bert in his best persuasive voice, "Here's some green cologne from Miss Piggy's new line of perfumed products."
"Hey! Bert! That's my only bottle of cologne I brought out!", whined Ernie.
"Oh Ernie, you won't die from not using it for one afternoon! I promise you I'll buy another bottle for you tomorrow, alright?", said Bert exasperatedly, his brow-gina deepening into a V shape.
Ernie gave a miserable face while Bert threw the bottle of cologne to Oscar. Oscar started to spray it around, and in his glee he sprayed some of it into Bruno's eyes.
Bert and Ernie left the alley hearing Bruno's screeches of pain echoing down the street.
When they reached the beach, they found that most of Sesame Street's inhabitants were there as well. It seemed that there was a annual beach party going on to welcome winter in Sesame Street and they were holding a competition called, 'Wintry Jokes'.
The competition goes like this. There will be 5 contestants and each of them will be given questions by a judge and depending on the 'coldness' of their answers, the judge will pick a winner who gives the 'coldest' answer.
Ernie saw who was signing up at the booth, got into a frenzy and kept nudging Bert in the ribs.
"Bert! Hey Bert! You see that annoying red nudist is signing up! I just read my 'Joke of Jokes' book, Bert! I'm sure I can win him!", said Ernie with enthusiasm.
"Ow! Ernie! Stop it, my ribs hurt! Come on, leave that Elmo alone, why do you always pick fights with him?", Bert said with tetchiness.
"I DO NOT ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH HIM! You know he won the Donald Grump's show called 'Grouch Apprentice' and because he did everything right, he got fired! HA! Now Donald Grump's here again to be the competition's judge! I bet I'll do better than that Elmo! Hmph.", said Ernie all in a breath.
Bert heaved a huge sigh and was thinking why couldn't they just have a peaceful time at the beach when he realised that Ernie was already at the booth signing up for the competition.
Frankly, Bert was quite taken aback from Ernie's speed, even from his short legs.
Shrugging his shoulders, he walked slowly towards the booth where he sensed a bit of a quarrel going on between Ernie and Big Bird.
"What last name?! I don't have any! That Elmo didn't have any too and you signed him up without even asking! Just put my name down as 'Ernie'!", said Ernie with annoyance. There was a red tint in his orange skin starting to show right then.
"Well, you know, Elmo's kind of famous so I already know him on a first-name basis, but you're just a neighbour and I need all of your particulars.", said Big Bird placatingly.
"You yellow-", Ernie started to shout when Bert interrupted, "Okay, Mr Big, Oscar the Grouch was saying how he knows you're the one who lodged a complaint against him and because we helped you, he forgot to pursue the matter and his bin's smelling a lot better with Ernie's cologne. Why don't you give us a break and just let Ernie join the competition? If you delay it any longer, he'll start his cold-joke mania on you and try to prove how capable his is."
"A-all right. You're in, Ernie.", said Big Bird, who really didn't have a choice.
Bert was feeling quite smug about himself and Ernie was giving him gooey-eyed looks and promising him not to bring his rubber duckie to their baths for a month when Elmo came strolling towards both of them while holding his fishbowl under his left armpit.
"Well, well. I heard you slimed your way in, Ernie, and of course with the help of the ever-clever Bert.", said Elmo in his usual high-pitched hoarse voice.
Ernie was about to launch his chubby self against Elmo's lean body when Bert used all his might from his stick-frame to drag Ernie across the beach to a bench.
By the time Ernie managed to calm down, the competition was starting.
Bert managed to find some fallen coconut tree leaves and weaved them into pom-poms to cheer for Ernie.
After Donald Grump gave his speech the competition officially started.
The other 3 contestants were not very good at cold jokes.
Contestant number one Sherlock Hemlock lost immediately after he answered with scientific equations when asked what do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit.
Even Bert knew the answer to this joke, 'A bad hare day'. Well, he heard it a few days ago when Ernie asked him about it from his joke book.
Number two was The Count who kept counting the seagulls as they went by and only gave numbers as an answer to an American Football joke.
The third was one of the orange Martians who only talked Martian and was immediately disqualified from the competition.
And finally it all came down to Ernie and Elmo.
"Now we only have 2 contenders for the finals! Who will it be, muppets? Both names start with the letter 'E'! But first, let me ask the more famous of the two.", said Mr Grump in a slick Brooklyn-Italian accent.
"HEY!", shouted Ernie in a highly unjustified voice.
"So Elmo, why don't ant-eaters get sick?", continued Donald Grump, totally ignoring Ernie.
"That's simple. It's because they are full of anty-bodies.", said Elmo while examining his non-existent finger nails.
A huge applause came from the audience and there was a few muppets laughing at his answer.
"Well done! Now Ernie, here's your turn. You ready for your question?", said Mr Grump.
Ernie nodded quickly.
"All right, here goes. What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?", asked Donald Grump.
Bert held his breath.
"Er...", and after a short pause, "A hare net?(Hair net)", said Ernie in a statement that sounded like a question.
You could almost hear the cricket sounds, if the beach had any, and there was an audible sound of people wincing and cringing in their seats from his answer.
"CONGRATULATIONS! WE HAVE A WINNER! Ernie has answered his question with a colder answer that even made cringing audible!", shouted Mr Grump while clapping.
There was confetti falling everywhere and Ernie still had that surprised look on his face.
Bert started jumping up and down, waving the pom poms he held in a totally undignified manner and after he realised this, he quickly stopped himself and ran to Ernie, who finally realised he's won the competition.
Ernie's smile could not get any bigger. His mouth was stretching the limits of 'wide'.
Donald Grump was handing him the Cup of Coldness trophy and Ernie was wiping his tears of joy with the sleeve of his striped sweater.
Throughout the chaos, Bert saw that Elmo had a shattered look on his face and he was staring into the fishbowl at his pet goldfish named Dorothy.
"Why? Dorothy, why did I lose?", said Elmo in despair. "I gave a better answer!"
Bert let go of Ernie's hug, put his hand on Elmo's bare shoulders and said to him, "Well, you did give a better answer, but it's not what this competition's looking for. They're looking for a 'colder' answer. And I guess Ernie's was 'colder' than yours, Elmo."
Elmo swatted away Bert's handshake with a bitter face and stalked away. Everyone ignored him.
Because during that afternoon, all eyes were on the winner of the day, Ernie.
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Later that night when they reached home and Ernie was reliving his 5 seconds of glory for the umpteenth time, "I knew the coldest answer, Bert! I knew that it'll win Elmo's! So I said-"
"Yes, yes. You said 'A hare net.', Ernie. Please do stop going on about it and let's go to sleep. I'm tired.", interrupted Bert while thinking that Ernie didn't sound quite so confident about his answer at that time at all.
"All right then, since you don't want to listen to me I'll bring my rubber duckie in and tell him everything."
"NOT AGAIN!!!!? YOU PROMISED, ERNIE!"
"I promised only about bringing him to the bathtub with us, Bert. Hehe."
