Muppet Love 2 : The Fountain of Fairness

There was a time, not so long ago, maybe about 3 years or so, when Ernie's facial hair began to grow. But this is not the time for rhymes, or even the occasion for any of Bert's mimes, so let's get this story started with a shine.


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Bert just came home from his accounting job at SSB's (Seasame Street Bank) when he came home upon a sight that could cure sore eyes.

His darling Ernikins.

But of course he wouldn't show his undying love with passionate kisses, instead he cleared his throat rather loudly.

"ACK-HEM!"

No movement, only the faint rustling of pages being turned over.

"This is odd, Ernie never reads. Unless it's SS's BeautyCare Weekly about how to make his nose appear smaller or something along those lines..", thought Bert and he decided to try again.

"ACKKK-HEM!"

But Bert noticed that Ernie's head didn't pop up from behind the stack of books on a table to greet him at all. Adding to his annoyance was that particular table Ernie was using, is actually Bert's. Bert tried to control his OCD-ness and managed to ignore the mess on his table.

"ACKKKKK-HEM!"

This time, Ernie's head did pop up and Bert's heart gave in to a fluttering of imaginary butterflies when he saw Ernie's adorable orange face.

"Yes, Bert? You sound like you need some cough syrup."

"Well, that must be because for the past few minutes I've been trying my best to get your attention by clearing my already dry throat."

"Oh dear Bert, this time you managed to sound less sarcastic than you usually are..."

Bert heave a huge sigh.

"Ernie, may I ask what you're doing with all those old maps and books?"

"I'm doing some research on the 'Fountain of Fairness'."

"Well you can stop there and pack up, because Mr-Fairness is standing right here.", said Bert who was puffing out his chest with his arms akimbo.

Bert always prided himself on being a good judge of what is right and what is wrong and although his choice in clothing always disproves this, Ernie usually just nods his head and try to irritate Bert about his other 'good' points.

"No, Bert. This is Mr Orange-Skin talking to Mr Yellow-Skin. My Fountain of Fairness is from the well-known legends. The one where Ms Piggy found while taking a stroll in the infamous Labyrinth of the Snuffaluffagus with the Count, who tamed Snuff and when Ms Piggy was admiring a zit on her chin in the reflection from the fountain water she fell over and took a drink from the fountain accidentally and she became all fair! Not a pimple since! Don't you remember that legend!?", Ernie said vehemently in one breath.

"Obviously, not. But you forgot to add in that the Count was busy counting and couldn't get after 13 when he realised Ms Piggy trying her best not to sink in from her immense weight. And that he couldn't save her because the fountain had running water but he managed to get Snuff to drag her out."

If Ernie had any eyebrows, it would have been very apparent that one of it would be up.

"Yes, look at her!", said Ernie while gesturing to a poster of Ms Piggy at the premiere of 'Ms Piggy's Guide to Life' which was to Bert's annoyance, an inch of crossing over to his side of the room. "Not a single pore! Or blackhead!"

Bert realised Ernie was getting his day-dreamy look of his and quickly said, "And so? Are you going to tell me you're going to find it? No one has ever found it again! Ms Piggy made it clear that she didn't want anyone in Sesame Street to have the same flawless face and forced the Count to conjure a really hungry monster to guard it! Anyone who has ever dared to enter, never left to tell the story!"

"Ah Bert, you're too pessimistic. That's why you've got me to balance your 'yin'."

"Well, would you like to show me how exactly you balance it?", Bert said with his brow-gina rising up to fuse with his hairline and a grin.

"Ha ha, Bert. You're not getting any unless you come with me. Your skin is looking more and more like an over-riped banana with those blackheads for black marks. Hurry along and help pack."

"What!? Really?!", came Bert's immediate reply and to Ernie's satisfaction he saw that Bert ran to the mirror to check out his face.

"Oh yes and after you're done, bring along the batch of cookies we baked yesterday. I want your 'B' shaped ones, Bert!"


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The next day after Bert called the bank to take leave, both of them set out to find the mysterious fountain.

They were walking along a back alley when they heard a muffled shouting near a dumpster.

"LET ME OUT, YOU BUNCH OF GOOD-FOR-NOTHING OAFS!"

Both of them ran to the dustbin that was making the noise and they found some duct-tape wrapped around the bottom of the bin to the top many times.

Bert gave an almighty 'HAIYAH!' and judo-chopped the tape and amazingly it tore open. Ernie gave Bert a misty-eyed look of love and admiration while Bert was muttering, "It was nothing. I learnt it during my stint in the Marine Corps.", while simultaneously not looking like it-was-nothing and puffing out his chest.

"Will you two stop it already, my face's turning green from your bro-mance.", said Dude-in-the-bin.

They guilty looked away and back at their rescued bin-hogger.

"Well, your face's already green, Oscar.", Bert said solemnly.

Ernie bursted out with peals of laughter.

"And I didn't know you had a sense of humour, Bert."

Bert ignored him and went on to make introductions. "Ernie, this is Oscar the Grou-AHEM. And Oscar, this is Ernie."

"No almost blurting out my nickname when you're one too!" Oscar exclaimed, much to Ernie's continual amusement.

Oscar's furry brown eyebrows furrowed into a tight "V" and Ernie clapped his 4 finger-hands over his mouth. Oscar told them how he got bullied by Baby Bear and his friends. Apparently they smacked the lid on Oscar's head, which knocked him out and when he gained consciousness later, he couldn't get out of the bin.

After Oscar's low and highly reluctant murmur of thanks, they left the alley and continued on their way.

They've been walking around the Sesame Street Park for almost an hour when Bert noticed that Ernie has been reading the map upside-down. After getting into a huge argument which involved throwing insults at each other about an East-to-West mouth and an oblong-shaped nose, Bert couldn't take the pointless arguing anymore.

"Oh let's just ask that guy in red for directions!", exclaimed Bert with impatience.

"What's he doing taking a goldfish in a bowl out for a walk? No Bert, that guy seems so queer."

"And you're wondering why we're holding hands?", said Bert with one side of his eyebrow up like a straight-line graph with a positive gradient.

"That's true..Hey! Could you give us the directions to the ABC Walkway?"

The guy in red turned and to their amazement he was wearing nothing but a set of stylish sunglasses perched not on eyes but a bright orange nose. He walked coolly to them, all the while balancing the fishbowl on one hand.

"Are..are you...", Ernie took a gulp and swallowed hard.

"Elmo?", completed Bert.

"Ah yes. The one that all the ladies fawn over. Oh, Ernie is that you? Haven't seen you in ages since the auditions for the segment of Sesame Street featuring me and Dorothy. Too bad now I'm famous and you're...stuck with a guy with a funny fashion sense."

Ernie hated Elmo for getting the role and even more so now when he insulted his beloved Bert.

"Well at least he's not a nudist like you! I can't even see where your-"

"My heavenly Elmo, please could you tell us where we can find the Walkway?", Bert quickly cut in before Ernie got any further. He knew Elmo had connections and knew the place well.

"Hmm...Let me see. Since you talked reasonably, I shall bestow you a song with my lovely voice. LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, ELMO'S WORLD!"

Bert turned to Ernie and whispered, "Just bear with it, Erns!"

Much to Bert's relief, Ernie calmly looked away to a frog going 'ker-mit!' on a lily pad in the pond behind Elmo and fixated a death-dying stare there for the next few agonizing minutes.

After a while, Elmo finished his song and cleared his throat.

"Alright, now with that done, let's just ask Dorothy, alright?"

"WHAT! ARE YOU TELLING ME WE'RE GOING TO GET DIRECTIONS FROM A...A GOLDFISH!!!?", shouted Ernie.

"It's Dorothy, my dear orange friend.", said Elmo with a sneer. "And if you watched my show, I always ask her for advice. I can tell you, she gives much better ones than that lousy Mr Noodle. Now Dorothy, do you know where's the place Bert is asking for?"

The fat goldfish just swam around the fishbowl.

"Okay, here goes. Dorothy says you just have to walk 10 minutes straight to the north, past the pond behind me and you'll find the Walkway. And you have to be careful, the monster in the labyrinth was part of my nudist community in the past, right before he got the job to guard the labyrinth. I have to tell you, he's not someone to mess around with."

After saying their thanks, they managed to escape out of getting sung another verse of 'Elmo's World' by Elmo himself.

Ten minutes later they arrived on the walkway and started following the path. Ernie had told Bert earlier that they need only to follow the path to get to the entrance of the labyrinth.

POOF!

"OMG! IT'S THE COUNT!", screamed Ernie and leaped into Bert's arms.

"Well, you're the one who wanted the mission. You should know the dangers we'd be facing.."

"Couldn't you just think I was finding an excuse to be closer to you!"

"'HEM!"

Both of them turned to the Count and said, "Yes?"

"If you're dunn' arguing, pleaze let me know."

"We're not! We're just having a lover's spat!", said Bert defensively.

"And in vat vay is dart 'ifferent?", said the Count nonchalantly while at the same time polishing his eye-glass.

"Anyway! What are you doing here? You can't just do your batty-appearing thing and scare muppets in broad daylight!", squeaked Ernie, eager to change the topic.

"Iz it broad day'ight? I only z dee loovely moon."

To Ernie's dismay, he only just realised it's dark already. It was only because the Walkway was sheltered by rows of trees around them and there were lamps along the walkway that they didn't notice the sun setting an hour before that.

"You don't eff to worry, I'm just 'ear to tell you my warnings. Dooo not enter, own-lee at your own per-ril."

"What's wrong with your accent?", Ernie ask impolitely.

"It'z a Romanian azzent, you noot(nut)!"

"I thought you're from Transylvannia?"

"Oh my god, Ernie! Transylvannia is IN Romania!!!", Bert said in an extremely offended voice, as if anyone who didn't know that deserved to be called a 'noot' too.

"ARGH! Shoot oop you two bickering noots! Just heed my warnings!", shouted Dracula and with that he vanished again with a POOF!

Ernie and Bert looked at each other and shrugged. They continued to walk and finally reached the entrance to the labyrinth. Ernie had managed to get a rough idea of the layout of the labyrinth from different accounts, although Bert said before that that no one had left to tell the story. They followed Ernie's map closely.

A few times they got very lost and it was all thanks to Bert having the great idea to have brought a pencil did they manage to trace back their path which Bert would landmark every few steps into the labyrinth. After a while, they started to hear a rumbling sound. Little did they know it would be something monstrous.

They decided to follow the rumbling sound and to their joy they've reached the centre of the labyrinth where the Fountain was fabled to be! And right in front of it was...

"The monster!", croaked Ernie in a half-choked voice.

The huge monster, who frankly looked quite mentally-challenged with his eyes staring at different angles on a too-small head attached to a much too-large body, was staring hungrily (if it could be that he was actually staring at them) at Bert and Ernie.

"MUNCH MUNCH FOR ME??"

"Er..munch munch? No, sorry, no munch for you!", shouted Ernie back guiltily.

"AWW!!! NO MUNCH MUNCH FOR MONSTER, MONSTER MUNCH YOU!", bellowed the blue monster and he thundered angrily towards them, all the while with his humongous tummy rumbling.

"How can he be hungry if his love-handles are so thick!?", Ernie shouted to Bert.

"How would I know that! And Ernie! Just throw him the last 'B'-shaped cookie! I know you saved it for later!"

They were both running hard back into the labyrinth to get away from the blue monster. Bert, whose legs were longer than Ernie, was dragging him along, gasping for breath and begging Ernie to give the Monster a 'MUNCH'.

"But you made it for me!!"

"SO!? Do you want to get eaten or do you want a zit-free face forever!", reasoned Bert.

Ernie always took Bert's reasoning very seriously and so, after taking another two turns in the labyrinth, Ernie made up his mind and dug in his pockets for the last cookie.

They put a full-stop to the chase and Bert called, "Hey Monster, here's a cookie for you! Just let us pass please!!!"

"MUNCH MUNCH?"

"Yes!"

Ernie threw the cookie and the Monster caught the cookie flying in mid-air. The Monster stood aside munching the cookie like he had Mad-Muppet-Disease while Ernie and Bert walked quickly past him. They reached the fountain and while brushing cookie crumbs off his shirt fastidiously, Bert said, "You have a good throwing arm, Ernikins."

"And you have a very sexy diplomatic voice, Bertie.", and Ernie, eager to get everlasting pore-less skin said, "Let's drink!"

They both took huge scoops with their hands and drank deeply.

After a few minutes of waiting, "Oh Bert! Is my skin as fair as Ms Piggy's yet? Not anymore of the orange-tint??"

"Er no, but I noticed that the pimple that was on the middle of your nose is gone. How about me? Less yellow and more beige?"

Ernie shook his head in frustration. He sat down on the ground.

"Oh no...", Bert said.

"What?"

"Ernie, did you actually read anywhere that this Fountain of Fairness is supposed to be about getting a porcelain face with no pimples forever?"

"Er..no..."

"WHAT!?"

"Well, they said 'fair', so I assumed would be beige-fair. Your yellow skin doesn't look too sickly-yellow like before though. It seems fairer. Perhaps this is what it means?", Ernie suggested.

"Yes, I should think so..Look here!", Bert said while pointing to an etching on the side of the fountain.

"WARNING: FOUNTAIN WATER WILL NOT TURN DRINKER'S FACE INTO BEIGE-FAIR BUT A FEW SHADES LIGHTER OF YOUR ORIGINAL SKIN COLOUR. AND A WHOLE LOT LESS PIMPLY. ALSO, MORE GULPS DOES NOT EQUATE TO THIS WARNING NOT BEING TRUE. JUST GET A SIP AND LEAVE.", recited Ernie.

"Who would leave such annoying warnings?", Bert said.

"I don't know, but at least our acne days are over. Hope it extends to my Bacne and Chacne problems.", replied Ernie.

"If it doesn't, I'll be more than happy to slather some acne cream on your back and chest for you, Erns."

They were looking into each other eyes when they noticed the Cookie Monster was back.

"ORANGE AND YELLOW BOY DRANK THE WATER. NOW MONSTER SEND YOU OUT."

"Okay, thanks Cooks.", said Ernie.

"COOKS??"

"Please don't tell me you've decided to name the monster with a nickname of 'Cooks'...", grumbled Bert while rolling his eyes.

Ernie just puckered up his non-existent lips and followed the Cookie Monster out with Bert right behind..


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So this ends the story of Bert and Ernie's first quest, and I'm sure ending it here is for the best, because there's always time for another test, of the two faithful muppet's relationship strength.

"Quit Shooting Me!"

I brought my sister to the lan shop to play Left4Dead yesterday. It was quite fun. She said it's addictive. Luckily no one near us who took off their shoes had smelly feet or we'd suffer.

And there was a time when she got constricted by the Smoker and I went to save her. After that I heard her mumbling, "Thanks for saving me, whoever you are."

I was like "WTH Er Jie! We play about an hour already you still don't know who am I!?"

Tomorrow I have the stupid Abnormal Psych quiz. She told us it's best to read up the textbook. We're supposed to read up chap 5. But I don't have it because they said they weren't selling it yet! Turns out the stocks came in last week and I didn't know. And my lecturer only gave us the pdf copy of the notes til' chap 3 only, I mean like what's the point right.

And Dian sent me the Draco Dormiens, Sinister and Veritas story, from some fanfic writer.
It's based on Rowling's Harry Potter series and starts from book 5, Order of the Phoenix where Sirius is still alive, Hermione likes Harry and etc etc.

It focuses mainly on Draco's character. And while I don't like Draco's character in Rowling's series because he's like mostly portrayed to be irritating and cowardly, in this series he's damn sarcastic and in a way quite charming.

I really hate school.
Turns out that Abnormal Psych, which I was excited about is undergoing an 'image distortion' because the lecturer and her teaching format is kind of ruining it for me. Although I know if you like a subject it doesn't matter, but the person who teaches, plays a big part too.

And Cognitive Psych, which I thought was going to be very dry and boring, I still think it's quite dry but at least my lecturer tries to be interesting. He's quite cute. Not look-cute, but like action-cute.

Dian and I were laughing at him because it seems like he always rushes to the lecture theatre early and because he's wearing a long-sleeve shirt, he'll be sweating. And when he lectures, he's always clasping his hands, almost like he doesn't know what to do with it and the position is right under his moobs, so the under-moobs sweat stains are quite obvious.
But an hour into the lecture it dries. HAHA.

Printing notes time. Ugh.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!!"

That's when 'The Boyfriend' found out he was poisoned. LOL.

I was bathing halfway when I heard my father scolding Hele, "You don't stop crying Mama don't love you anymore ah..."

And he went on with all the stupid stuff with his naggy voice.

Apparently Hele didn't want to do her homework and my mother scolded her so she ran to the kitchen and started crying.

What I think is, a lot of parents don't realise that when they tell their child (especially when they're crying in public then they threaten them very loudly that they'll not love them anymore/leave them alone there if they don't stop crying) it actually creates an opposite effect?

I mean, it happened to me when I was young and it only made me cry louder. And this afternoon, upon hearing my father telling her that, Hele started crying even louder.

And after I bathed, I was blowing dry my hair when Dian messaged me about our lesson later.

OMG. I realised that I saw my time-table wrongly. Sometimes I'm extremely cock-eyed. I keep seeing LT19 as LT9 last sem and now...1430 to 1530. I rushed like mad.

My dad fetched me and throughout the day he kept scolding me why I always so last minute. Everytime he want to fetch me to school, I suddenly will need to shit, or see time-table wrongly.

Let me state that 1st of all, can you please don't comment about my shitting when oh, what about that time in Hong Kong you suddenly developed a phantom fever and interrupted our shopping trip!? Or when every morning last sem at 9am you should know I'll need to bathe for school and you're shitting in the toilet!?

Isn't it the same!!!

Releasing our waste products cannot control one right. Wth.

And secondly, this is the first time I read my time-table wrongly, about lesson time okay!!!
If my lesson was at 330pm, I wouldn't be late!

So just now my dad kept giving the highly unhappy face like I did the world's worst thing to him and kept saying he don't love me anymore, this and that. Seriously, and he wonders why we don't like to hang out with him.

I really appreciate him fetching me to school and everything, but he's just very merciless on his opinions. Like a slight mistake equates the world ending.

Anyway, my Doc Oct is being tormented by Voldie. Maybe it's because Voldie is the dominant male. Poor Doc Oct. I heard Doc Oct squeaking like crazy just now and I ran to check and saw Voldie viciously attacking Doc Oct.

I managed to flip Voldie away from Doc Oct and flick his muzzle. I checked Doc Oct's body and OH NO! His testicle and left leg was bitten by the naughty Voldie and got a lot of blood.
So with my sister's cunning plan I punished Voldie by putting him in the running ball with some bedding and put it in the cage. So he's trapped from Doc Oct.

:(

By the way, I can't believe I wrote this 2 years ago.

Monsters lurk when midnight comes
Demons work precured scalp sums
Running through the Blood Orchard
Devil's snare leaves her legs severed.

Anguished cries travels through black canopy
Hatred sweeps like gusts across the valley
Nightmares for sinner's death be gory
Night descends into realms of glory.

Disguises she puts on
Different masks she has
Darkness clouds the horizon
Beasts will catch you unawares.

Puss Puss.

OMG OMG OMG.

Megan Fox is rumoured to be playing Catwoman in the next Batman movie. I might hyperventilate and die in the cinema. Remind me to get an oxygen tank in k.

And stupid Tori Amos commented that Lady Gaga is like a one-time act and cannot last in the music business. Shut up, seriously.

Blitzkrieg

Blogspot should seriously do something.

I just came back from my 1st FastForward meeting (the board games cca I joined). It was quite fun. I mean, it has like every game except Monopoly there. Or maybe it was koped by someone else already.

Anyway, we played this new game called Train by Ticket. Or was it called Ticket by Train? Hmm.

It was quite fun. I wasn't very interested with the game and guess what!? I was last in place. So annoying. Although it's just a stupid game omg, HAHA!

I lent Dian my Cabinet of Curiosities.
Time to influence someone else to love my top 2 authors: Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child again.

No Deberes Please.

Bad news from Dian.

My lecturer just posted up a tutorial assignment. 4 page long essay. Wth.

Don't tell me I shouldn't complain.

Just don't comment. Seriously.

Don't even think about it.

See? You can't right.

Try breaking your heart to think of the amount of paper you'll waste.

Don't think it's little. The assignment has 6 pages. Equals to 3 sheets of paper to each person if we print double-sided. And maybe about a hundred people taking the course. 300 pieces of paper.

Plus pen ink. And brain juice. And time.

And next week is the start of Abnormal Psych's weekly Lecture Quiz.
The textbook is interesting enough, but I think the lecturer is ruining everything.

She keeps mumbling in her speech, and the other people in the lecture theatre who kept talking isn't helping at all.
I don't know if it's her accent or it's just her natural way of speaking (I really believe it's the latter) and on Monday, after 1 and a half hours of lecture I couldn't take her mumbling anymore and I said really loudly,

"CAN YOU STOP MUMBLING!?"

Dian's head whipped around giving me the really shocked OMG-YOU-SHOUTED-THAT-ALOUD face.

I don't think the lecturer heard me, because I was sitting all the way at the back. Anyway, that kind of stopped the people around me from talking.
And please, don't say that it's because I'm sitting at the back that's why I can't hear what she's saying. Bloody hell, there was a freaking speaker above my head can.

Also, her lecture is quite boring. At least my cog psych lecturer tries to crack jokes, even if no one got it. And he has videos to show.

Anyway, the past week I've been reading this new series my sister intro-ed to me.

Percy Jackson. By author Rick Riordan.

It's quite kiddy at the start, but it gets better. I just finished the 4th one today. I'm trying to find the 5th book.
But I think I'll start on this other book my sister told me about because I was telling her I was interested in like human behavior.

It's called "What Every Body Is Telling You" and it's written by an ex-FBI agent who specialises in reading people's behavior. Nice.

And something else is stupid because I only have an hour of lesson tomorrow that I can't skip.

I've been a good girl since school started. I haven't fell asleep/skipped any lessons, yet. Nearly had to this morning because I had a case of massive diarrhea. But I persevered, shat and got to school. Shat a bit again and came home at 8 after Spanish ended.

Alright, bye.

Porn-Stache Is The New Look.

I watched Bruno with Fatty yesterday. There were more Caucasians than like Asians/Singaporeans in the cinema. And the show was quite funny, if not gross.

Anal bleaching. I think Ernie should go for it.

And today in Forensic Science there was this Blood Spatter case study on this murder case, and the suspect's called Lord Lucan.

My lecturer pasted a photo of Lord Lucan on the ppt slides and although he's a suspected murderer, I can't help thinking he looks a lot like Brad Pitt with his porn-stache in Inglourious Basterds.

LOLOLOLOLOL.

Sex On A Stick.

One thing I like about Alexander Skarsgard is because he's not afraid to look freaking goofy in photos.

Anyway, people who watch True Blood will know how gay it is between Godric and Eric.

AND! Omg Eric went to do highlights in one of the first few episodes in Season 2 and Pam scolded him cause he killed some guy and his blood got on his hair.

Plus the extremely irritating photo he posed for 'Paparazzi'. LOLOLOL.

By the way, some girl in my class today (one of my new friends) has that hairstyle Lady Gaga is with in the photo, except it's black with some brown highlights. Damn cute. Hmm.

No Being Dyslexic Intentionally or Unintentionally.

We had a new classmate today in Spanish class. He's Swedish.
He looks not bad and has really clear blue eyes. Why can't we Asians have different coloured irises like the Caucasians?! Tsk.

And I was just thinking about Alexander Skarsgard because he's from Sweden too when my Spanish teacher called out my name(She's taking attendance).

"WANGER?"

Omg. From the corner of my eyes I saw the new guy look up quickly and stared at me for like a few seconds.

WANGER.
Wth, didn't she call me WHENER last week?!

It's quite embarrassing and even Dian noticed him giving the 'why-the-hell-is-this-girl-named-WANGER' look.

I think you should know I'm going to start on a minor 'I-hate-people-calling-my-name-wrongly' blog post.

I mean, I didn't mind when my previous Spanish tutor pronounced my name as WHEN-ER. I understand that a lot of Westerners can't pronounce Chinese names. I guess thats as close as they can get to Wen Er.
But Wanger. And in front of the new guy.

I don't even really mind when people make fun of my name and pronounce it as Weener. At least it still 'looks' correct, because I'm used to writing my name stuck together. As in Wener. So WE-NER is still okay with me, although I know it's not a good thing when people call you that.

BUT. I especially hate it when people call my name as WAN-ER.

Oh my god. WAN and WEN is freaking different please. Either you're dyslexic or you just can't be bothered or you're just freaking stupid but can't you just say WEN.

WEN!

Not WAN! Even Fatty says WENG. NOT WANG.

Anyway, two different people mistook me as an Indonesian today. 2 people! And just the other day this classmate of mine asked if I'm from Singapore. What!? Do I look very foreign to you!!!
Anything but say that I'm from China k. Because I'm about as Chinese as the average Singaporean. Blood relations, I mean.

Far removed.

Distant ancestors.

Extremely diluted blood from China.

Okay!? Okay!!?

And you better not comment that I should be proud of my roots.

CCAs

Tell you guys something. I can't believe I joined 2 societies last week.
Omg. Tan Wen Er. Clubs and Societies. So do not mash together.

I just realised in my whole life I've never joined a cca or whatever that does not do any sport. Maybe except that stupid Sports Aiders, because that pervert Mr Ma forced all the Netball girls to join. Tsk.

Anyway, I joined a club called NTU FastForward or something. HAHA. It's about playing board games. I saw the monopoly on the table and it looked quite fun. I mean you know me.
Tan Wen Er and Monopoly = match made in Heaven (if there is even one) right!?

And it didn't look too geeky.

The other society I joined (which I was 'supposed' to, since the 1st sem) was the NTU Psychology Society. I guess it's because before that we attended a lecture and the guy was talking about trips to IMH which I missed last sem (TSK) so I thought, "Why not?".

And you know what's the worse thing? Join the Psych soc have to pay $2.
Don't call me cheap! I could have used that $2 and buy an award-winning bowl of mee pok from the canteen k. Pardon me if I emphasise on the 'Award-Winning' again.

Dian kept laughing because I was trying to bargain with Joel to let us pay less.

"Eh, since we're friends, join for free leh."

"Cannot la.."

"Okay, how about since we 2 person at one time join, only pay $2 instead of $4 la..Half price, half price."

"No!"

"Fine..Got free tee shirt?"

"Erm no, not unless you helped out at the booth."

"How about free food?"

"Oh, we have a welcome ceremony! You all are welcomed to come! Got good food!"

"What kind of good food? Buddha Jump Over The Wall??"

"Er no, good food like sushi and stuff.."

"HUH. Okay."

They better let me go IMH for free.

Anyway, thinking about all this, I think part of why I joined the 2 clubs was also to help Dian get enough points so she can still stay in hall next sem.

Tomorrow got school again. Ugh.

NO SUPPORTING ELMO.

Why did Michelle Obama go Seasame Street and only visit Elmo and not Ernie!!!?

Tsk.

And I drew on the key chain Dian gave me with marker and made it look more real, like it got cut off.

Now I really can do the disjointed thumb trick >:D

Too Much of Something is NEVER Good.

I'm sick and tired of seeing the same TV shows Mediacorp has been replaying on TV with our money.

My mom told me they pay about $110 a year to Mediacorp. I used to naively think that we just buy the TV and this magical antennae helps to get the broadcast-ed shows from the satellite far above my house for free. Nope. We need to pay for it.

And you know what? I can swear for the past half a year to a full year, our dear Mediacorp who received our parent's or rather, YOUR $110/yr (My mom told me how many TVs you have in the house doesn't matter. As long as you have at least a TV and you plan to watch Mediacorp shows on it, you pay S$110.) and play this stupid English b-grade movie called 'Extreme Ops' 4 times, maybe more. Or another example, 'Pitch Black'.

4 times.

I can even tell you what happen in 'Extreme Ops', because I've been channel surfing and seeing different parts of the show and after like 5 mins, I'll switch channel. It's about some skiing/snowboarding crew going up some mountain and being filmed skiing down the bloody mountain and in the process, they get into trouble with some people and they are followed and a few get killed. Something like that.

But that's so not the main point.

I've feeling quite pissed off because see, like 1 HDB flat/Condo have like at least a hundred units right? And in Singapore, there should be at least like a few hundred thousand flats/landed property/public areas with TV subscription. RIGHT?

Okay, put it to about 200,000 flats. Each flat approx = 100 houses. All together = 20,000,000
And assuming everyone has a TV at home, at least one, = 20,000,000 X S$110 = S$ 2,200,000,000.

That's like at least S$ 2.2 Billion right?

How come you're using our 2.2 Billion dollars to show us/me 'Extreme Ops' 4 times a year?

Is it because you think many Singaporeans are drinking tapwater with the oxidised Al(OH)4 that potentially can have increased chances to get Alzheimer's Disease (My Chem tutor taught me that, actually. We're not blaming you, PUB.) that we need 4 times the reminder about what 'Extreme Ops''s plot is about?

Or how about showing us 'Independence Day' or 'Titanic' or 'Armageddon' (I don't understand why that stupid Liv Tyler can be in the 'Houston' control room the whole day. She's not even working there right!?) like don't know how many freaking times that the 'I don't want to miss a thing' song by Aerosmith at the end of the show is subconsciously memorised in my head because I've been 'forced' to watch it on TV so many times as there are NO other nice shows to watch?!

And I'm not even a person that watches TV very often you know.

I mean, ya, they are blockbusters but no one would like to watch a blockbuster so many times right? And in a such a regular and short-spaced frequency?! I think you really make the money you guys spent on a reel of film or copyright or royalties or whatever it is you do on a single film VERY worth it for yourselves you know.

Or, maybe when your Saturday/Sunday Premiere/Prime movie or whatever, is like a show from 2 years ago, like 'Harry Potter and the Order of Pheonix'? Or '300'. I can easily pay like $5 and rent the bloody DVD right.

Also, how about cutting the bloody show in half and show it at like from 7.30- 9.30 and start again at 10.00 to 12.00pm!? And the bloody advertisements are so frequent and sometimes long because you stretched a 2 and a half hours or less movie into a 4 hour time slot!? How's that for peaceful TV-watching?

You know, depressed single people who may stay at home on Saturdays or Sundays may get even more depressed during all those commercial breaks and won't there be a higher frequency of contemplation of suicide!? I know so okay! Then they'll have so much time to think and think about how worthless they are, how life is not worth living during those commercial breaks. Maybe force out some pee and go to the toilet just to pass the time, or go to the fridge more often to get food.

Like, "YAY! Commercial break, I just finished my bag of chips, let me go to the pantry and see what else I have."

It's like an indirect process of letting us get fatter!

You might argue they can don't do that, don't blame it on us, but blah blah. My mom is a good example k! And I know a lot of other mothers or fathers are good examples of couch-fridge potatoes, so shut up.

Oh, you may argue, just go and get cable lah.

CABLE!!!! CABLE!!!!?

You want to talk to me about CABLE!

I've for yearssssssssssss wanted to have cable, but my dad don't allow. Let me repeat what he'll say.

"You still studying, later I subscribe you never study!"
OR
"Waste money!"
OR
"Cable got what nice things to watch!?"

Hello, I don't watch cable for the 'brainless' shows k. When I go over my sister's house (she has cable, OMG.) I ALWAYS watch either History Channel/Animal Planet/National Geographic/Discovery Channel.

Let me emphasise on the EDUCATIONAL. Okay.

And all this is not about ME getting cable, it's about my parents and your parents or you yourself paying this S$110 a year to watch shows being repeated. Not only is it highly irritating when I channel-surf and see that stupid show I've seen before being shown again, but I can spend this S$110 and buy 220 bowls of 50 cents Prawn Noodles from RGPS canteen okay. 220 bowls means 73 days of 3 meals a day. Which approximates to 2 months of food.

Don't tell me I'm being freaking calculative. I'm just sick of lousy shows and watching repeated blockbusters.

And local dramas. Don't let me start on it. What the hell.
I mean like what's with the stupid Beach Ball Babes show. No hot/good looking girls of substantial quality you want to title the show like that. Can die one you know.
And what's with the horrible hosting by Gurmit Singh on Singapore Idol. I hate Singapore Idol. Another thing to not get me started on k. The thing is, Mr Singh, I like you on PCK, but as a host, you're not too good.

I'm not saying normal TV is all that bad. Chinese variety shows like the Mark Lee's show on Channel 8 (Tuesdays) that just ended is not bad, and some channels like Okto with Animal Night/Culture X/Solved and all that is good. And Channel News Asia is not bad too.

I don't know about Vasamtham or how you spell it, but I watched the 'Jodhaa Akbar' show and it was not bad. Except like in all Bollywood shows, I can't believe the King had to sing for 10 minutes to his wife before they got on bed and had sex (which they conveniently didn't film of, not that I wanted to see..).

Anyway, back to the point. Seriously, dear Mediacorp. Maybe it's time for you to not waste our S$2.2 +/- Billion a year on crappy local dramas and invest it on new movies.

And I mean NEW and RECENT.

Oh yes, and please stop repeating them that you get noticed and caught by a TV-watcher in Singapore, like me.

I Wanna Do Bad Things With You.

We were having Personality Psych tutorial that day and our graded presentation this sem was supposed to try to analyse someone famous, eg. politician/entertainer.

Each group has to submit 3 choices in case other groups already chose it. Ours were,
(1) Adolf Hitler
(2) Lady Gaga
(3) Ted Bundy

We got Lady Gaga. Can't believe someone more kiasu than us chose Hitler. I didn't even think of him.

I was thinking of Bill Clinton/Bush/Obama. I mean like potentially I knew some stuff to analyse Bill Clinton on. Like his actions when he stated, "I did not have any sexual relations with that woman." on national TV (pointing his finger at one side and him looking at another, not meaning it.) and after that when the truth came out how he 'bounced' back and still continue to be a respected world leader today. Even if it's an 'ex' thing.

Or Bush and the shoe being thrown at him. Which I find is seriously funny!!! As in his expression and his lightning quick reflexes in dodging the flying shoe. And how he faces the American public when polls indicated they weren't happy with his continual invasion of Iraq after a few months.

Etc etc.

Don't ask me why I only thought of US Presidents. Or ex-Presidents.

Surprisingly, it was Dian who suggested Lady Gaga. And immediately she suddenly turned to us and said, "YOU KNOW SHE'S A HERMAPHRODITE?!" (People with 2 sex organs.)

I was like freaking shocked. As shocked as when Fatty told me Michael Jackson died.

Anyway, if she were one, I'm feeling quite okay with it. I don't understand why some people make such a bad thing about it. Especially the Lady Gaga haters. I think it's quite mean.
Plus, wouldn't her parents have made the decision to remove it when she was a baby?

Maybe her parents are the 'open' sort and thought that she could decide which sex she'll choose when she's older. As 'open' as letting their daughter wear tight spandex swimming costume-y bling-studded armour-plated suits on MTVs/performances.

I just think people might be creating gossips out of nothing. Just like the Megan Fox thing. Hope I'm right about this point.

And I watched Hannah Montana The Movie the other day.

Don't say it's dumb or whatever, why am I watching such a brainless show, etc etc.

I've always liked the series. It's damn funny. Especially her brother, Jackson. He can imitate people actions and speech patterns/accent really well!

Anyway, the soundtrack is quite nice. Not my usual kind of music, a bit poppy and country.

By the way, Dian's been influenced to watch True Blood. MUAHAHAHAHA.

I just love singing Jace Everett's 'Bad Things' to people and myself and making all the guitar sounds.

Just to be annoying.

LOLOLOL.

Reality Me.

I admit I like watching reality shows, like Survivor and America's Next Top Model and stuff like that.

But I like watching them not because I'm curious about what people do or the bitchiness/backstabbing involved. Mostly, I'd like to think what I'll do if I'm put on an island and how much weight I can lose. Shiok. And I like to see the hot girls and erm, their photoshoot photos.

I'm watching The Moment of Truth now. I think it's a good show for me! I don't mind joining. Like I don't have a lot of things to hide, and even if I do, I don't mind admitting them because its like normal stuff and everybody does it.

I mean, I've never smuggled anything, maybe except like a stick of chewing gum/bubble gum? I don't even think it's called smuggling. I've never taken drugs or smoked. But I admit I've cheated in tests and exams. Who hasn't, right!?

Easy money.

God and Godric.

Oh my god.

I just watched True Blood. Nice.

And my Spanish is very rusty. Tsk.

Lady Gone Gaga.

I was just watching some of the Lady Gaga youtube videos of her concert in Singapore.
Kinda regret not going to her concert this wed :(

Was thinking of going but I didn't think anyone would wanna go and erm, the concert tickets were a bit expensive.

She looked hot. Although it seems like she gained a bit of weight.

:(((

Ink and Shrouds.

I can't believe I just spent 2 and a half hours printing my notes, so irritating. It's time-consuming and a waste of paper. Plus ink.

Tomorrow I have lessons from 1130 to 7+. Ohmygod. All because of Spanish. Ugh.

Anyway, the other day I was out with Tracy and I suddenly thought of the Arabic women who has to wear the shroud thing, and only their eyes can be seen.
I mean, they can't take it out right? Like only their husbands can see the 'full'/'real' them.

I've read from somewhere about some Arabic Muslim woman who accidentally showed her arm because her sleeve rode up and she got beaten up by men. And another account was that this Arabic woman was seen putting on lip stick in public and some men poured gasoline on her and burned her alive, or something like that.

So how would these Arabic women passport photos look like?

Can you imagine if their passport photos is the face with the black shroud and only can see the eyes!? Haha.
And how they pass through custom checks?

Like how do the immigration people identify these women from the passport photos and the real person herself? Maybe they use the retina scans. But I doubt they'll use the money on that.

Tracy said it's an interesting question.

And this afternoon my mom, sis and I were watching CNA and there was this footage of the Kuwait fire and I saw a women wearing the shroud thing, so I decided to pose this question to them.

My mom was like, "Ya hoh, how they see ah?". But after a while she firmly came to a conclusion that they MUST take it off and only let the immigration people see.

Anyway, the thing is, my sister told me that she has a friend who saw this Arabic women who was wearing the shroud thing on the airplane and she went to the cabin toilet. When she came out she was wearing normal clothes like jeans and a shirt!

The plane was supposedly to the US. LOL.

Muppet Love.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Sesame, there was a little boy called Ernie.

Ernie was a very nice boy, ordinary like you and I, but just that he has orange skin, a too-wide mouth and doesn't have any eyebrows. Because of this, his classmates at school loved to tease him to no end. Ernie was sad and lonely all the time.
He even had early-onset childhood depression because of his low self-esteem caused by the constant bullying and teasing.

One day, there was a transfer student that joined Ernie's class at school, and he was called Bert.

Bert had almost the same problems as Ernie. He was all yellow, had a straight line for his mouth and had a massive case of brow-gina.

Since no one offered to make friends with Bert, Ernie thought, "Why not?" and went to talk to him. They became fast friends and pretty soon, they were the kind of friends who were considered inseparable.
Where Ernie is short and a little plump, Bert is tall and skinny.

However, there came to a time when Ernie felt that his feelings for Bert were beyond the normal-friends line and he was worried. He fretted that Bert might not feel the same way and even worse, might stop being friends with him if he told Bert the truth.

Little did Ernie know that Bert was feeling exactly the same way toward him.

Ernie should have seen the signs of Bert's sexual tendencies.

The white turtleneck shirt under a v-necked vertical striped sweater and bright green pants Bert love to wear all the time. And whereas Ernie always chose to hide his sexuality with a normal sweatshirt and jeans, you could always realise that singing in the shower with a rubber-ducky is all too obvious for a boy as old as him.

After they graduated, they decided to move in together. Ernie could never sleep or stay still in his small bed when Bert was so close beside him. He loved to do irritating things just to keep Bert awake at night.
And Bert on the other hand, tried to keep his feelings for Ernie to himself by pretending to be grumpy everyday. They were a perfect match for one another.

One night when Ernie was in the toilet examining his non-existent eyebrows, Bert accidentally came in and asked Ernie what he was doing.

Ernie said, "Oh Bert, I have no eyebrows."

Bert's heart softened because frankly, he loved Ernie for having no eyebrows. It made him feel much better about his extra overgrown ones.
Bert quickly tried to cover it by saying in an extra sulky voice, "Well, I have enough eyebrows for both of us. They're even stuck together."

Ernie was not finished with self-loathing and continued, "But my mouth is big enough to swallow your whole face, Bert."

Bert's heart nearly leaped out of his chest when he heard this and said, "And my mouth is a straight line. Can you get over it?"

They kept quiet and looked into one another's eyes. And in that moment they knew.


CENSORED.
CENSORED.
CENSORED.
CENSORED.



The End.

Black Mamba

These are the fake-digit key chains.

DAMN REALISTIC RIGHT!?

By the way, I really hate Twilight. And I can't understand why some people, especially girls, are going crazy over it.

Okay, maybe that's not that bad. Wait, actually, it is.

I also can't understand why some girls think Robert Pattinson is good looking/hot.

If he's good looking/hot, I can go bind my chest, cut my hair into a mohawk and I'll consider myself good looking too.

See? That's how hot I think he is. If I really did that, I don't think I'll look hot. I'll look like a short butch, who is a little pudgy too.

I mean, if he didn't look good as Cedric, then he wouldn't look any better as Edward in Twilight right? I even feel that he looks even worse when he's not acting. Omg, the hair and the beard. Eee.

And Kristen Stewart.

She looks like how Narcissa Malfoy is described by J K Rowling, (Draco's mum). Like someone put a dungbomb under her nose all the time (Harry).
Not that I have anything against her. She's one of the kind of people that I don't really like. Whether her acting, or her in real life.

I didn't get the omg-Mischa-Barton-is-so-pretty thing when OC came out. If she's pretty, half the girls in America is pretty.

And Many Moore. Or even Blake Lively. I know. It's the mole. Ugh.

Anyway, I can't wait for True Blood to be out. It's getting exciting!
Me is liking Alexander Skarsgard as Eric Northman!

I went to visit Fatty today. Seems like his eyes are healing well. Poor thing, he can't bathe because of his eyes. I can totally get his discomfort.
If I'm him, I'll never let anyone come near me. Too stinky/sticky/oily!

Fatty wanted to show me his cartoon porn today because he said it's very funny. Like you won't get high because it's so outrageously funny.
Anyway, a few times he was talking with other guy friends when we go out about this porn vid he watched that had a black man with a huge d*&k. As long as his forearm. And of course no one believed him. So he wanted to prove that he wasn't bullshitting and he found the video.

I was dying from seeing the huge boobs and...omg okay. I think it's so graphic. Like no wonder men are so perverted/think about sex all the time.

I mean, once you get exposed to it, like you go take public transport then you'll think of some public transport porn you watched just when you happen to see a hot girl? Or a new receptionist comes into your office and you'll...ahem.

Somehow, I don't think the cavemen were as perverted as the men today.

He only showed me 2 because frankly, I didn't like it. I think it's quite degrading for the girl in the video, although she might look like she's enjoying it(or maybe not).

One of them was about this Japanese girl and at the start she's in this crowded train and she gets molested by a man. Then she gets off and he follows her. She's wearing a tight brown mini-dress and denim jacket. Not pretty but got a nice ass though. Anyway, she gets on to another train and he follows her in and starts to get more public about it.

I mean, you can see other passengers on the background you know. I thought at first that she didn't know he was following her and all that. I was getting quite irritated. Like why she just meekly brush off his hands and look away and how come no one on the train helps her.

Then after that they have AHEM in the train!

I kept commenting why no one report them to the train conductor and how stupid it is and Fatty was like, "Come on! This is porn. Must let men fantasise."

What the hell.

Tomorrow must study my cog psych textbook already. Me no like school reopening.

Desmodontidae

Fatty's Lasik eye surgery was this morning. Hope he's okay :(

Talking about Fatty, he told me about this mysterious disease that was spreading in China. That it got so bad that once you get it, you'll die and there were soldiers from the army surrounding the cities that have it. Like quarantine. It's called Wolf something disease.
I mean what can you expect from him right, can't even remember the name properly then want to tell me this kind of scary news.

We were thinking about it, like actually the possibility of getting a disease that made you turn into a zombie slowly actually can happen. Like rabies in dogs. Then you go around biting other people for nothing, just because the virus/parasite in the saliva/bloodstream needs to spread around and is controlling your brain.

Don't think it sounds very far fetched! There are some wasps that can inject their eggs or whatever into ants and cause them to become like their zombie-minions that guard and protect the eggs/larvae!

Can you imagine if this happens? It'll be like Left4Dead. Or Resident Evil.

And the worse thing is, Singapore don't allow guns in the country.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO DEFEND OURSELVES!?

How to shoot the zombies!?

Maybe can take my father's 'bao jian' (this old chinese sword [the kind you see in period dramas] he brought from China a long time ago) and like use it to slice off the zombie's head. Or high powered water guns. (Super Soaker?)

But if you think about it, if don't have guns and we can only use like knives/chopper/parang(don't know where you can go find it though)/books?(can use to whack their heads), it'll only be like close contact defense! You can't like use the sniper/assault rifle to shoot them when their far away.

Maybe all the erm, fat people would turn into Boomers. Then the girls will turn into Witches. Very poor thing though. Have to keep crying with the long claws wearing only dirty bra and panties. Chain smokers could be the Smokers. Those cool people could become the Hunters. And omg. The bodybuilders would turn into Tanks.

What if Fatty turned into a Boomer?

Maybe I can use a nail gun to shoot him and he'll burst with a concussive force and only leave his backside and legs on the floor. HAHA.

"You want thumb or toe?"

Dian bought these key chains for me from Indonesia!

One is a fake thumb and the other is a big toe. Damn funny. I wanted to scare Tracy with it when she spotted it first and said, "IS THAT A FINGER!?", in a totally shocked voice during our forensic science lecture. It looks quite realistic. Honestly I was quite apprehensive of touching it at first.

Hele totally freaked out when I suddenly screamed and ran into the kitchen when I came home and exclaimed, "OHMYGOD HELE!! YI YI'S FINGER COME OUT!!!!"

And I was grasping the fake thumb and bending my thumb to hide it from her. She looked for 3 seconds then she slowly backed away, giving the extremely frightened face. I think I screeched with laughter and dangled the key chain in front of her.

"SO REAL RIGHT, HELE?!"

She ran away quickly from me into the living room. I followed her.

"Hele, Yiyi's thumb come out!!!"

She started whimpering, on the verge of tears.

My mom came running with the spatula thing (she was preparing dinner), "ER YOU BETTER STOP IT AH! YOU DON'T SCARE HELE UNTIL SHE MENG CEH CEH(face green green)!!"

LOL!!!

Anyway, this morning I had my first cog psych lecture. He's my first Caucasian lecturer and his jokes are damn cold. I mean, at least he tries to make it interesting. But he seems quite uneasy somehow. He even knows about the Facebook game called Who has the biggest brain! Damn cute.

And forensic science. I don't know if it's because it's the first lecture but it was quite interesting. Like you know you see in CSI:LV like Catherine Willows can do crime scene analysis, firearms testings and so many stuff right, in real life every different aspect of forensic science is done by different people, in other words, specialists.

Oh! And I didn't know back in the 1920-1930s can test blood type and test a person's blood type from saliva (found on cigarette buds at crime scenes) already! The forensic science lecturer is also a Caucasian (British), but I think he said something like every other week there will be a guest lecturer coming.

Cool.

Mond's Lament.

I was looking through my yearbook photos and albums, from primary school to jc.

It was like an hour of fast-forward through the last 10 years of my life. I suddenly remembered some people from my primary school that I've totally forgot about. The sad thing is, I don't see many of them today, whether in my jc life or in uni. I wonder where they've all gone to.

Then I got to the secondary school photos. Oh no. The hair. The depressing years, the people I'd really like to forget, well, most of them. In a sense, I've grown from the experiences from my secondary school years but at the same time, I really would like to forget them.
It like all teenagers at that point of time only think on extreme poles. There are no in betweens.

Moving on the the 2005 jc photos.

My 1st J1 photos. I like to emphasise it to people. Actually, not that I like to, but it requires emphasis. I mean like, I've had 2 J1 years right, so people from my 1st J1 year might not know which J1 year the story I might be telling. Er okay, anyway.

What I remember most about 2005 is hot how it was most of the time. How new it all was. The big transition (to me) from my secondary school to pj. It was time to mature quickly and in doing so, I think I did it quite awkwardly. It's no wonder when I look to the people around me, especially the seniors, I feel insecure and unsure.
I mean, it was much bigger because it was a whole new and different social circle, kind of people. More..matured? Educated? Alright, no discriminating.

But it's true. Secondary school was like petty gang fights, I don't friend you, you don't friend me, uber china, mixed in with a lot of malay coarse language, immatured bad decisions all together.

The orientation in 2005 was like an eye opener. Not only got better quality and bigger quantity (even so minimal) but a lot more freedom. Handphones were so called 'allowed'. Shorter skirts, bigger shirts, etc etc. I mean, adolescent kids all locked away in a corner of CCK, what better kind of heaven can it be?

I got to make friends with Yeti when we were in a horrible class (except for Ain and Yeti and a few others) that refused to even say hi to me after I retained (not that I mind). I got poked by Ms Chew and her metal teaching pointer stick, most probably because she was angry with me for failing my promo maths paper.

I got cheated on by asshole Shawn and still face to see him often in NTU now, eews. Although I like to give him my TURN-AWAY-IMMEDIATELY look and he'll faster look away and tell people that I'M SCARY.

And and and, Sally, Sally, eyecandy.

Mmm mmm.

Never a boring day when you see a bouncing ponytail in the canteen, or on the stage dancing.

2006 was the good year for academics. Did well, played rugby, met Fatty and Meiyi. Had a lot of breaks because we took Chinese A levels the previous year already, plus PW. A lot of drama from the rugby team though. I guess a lot of them feel that I was a bad captain, too strict, unfair and I don't know. I don't want to defend my reasons and actions.
I remember going to talk with Yeti and Tracy when they were mugging or were trying to for their As.

The whole year felt like a been there, done that, kind of thing. Everything was boring.

Next came 2007, the best school year in my life. I became closer to Fatty and even finding out our story, got depressed over Desmond and erm, concentrated on other things. Loved Mr Tan (art teacher!!!!) even more, slept in Mr A's lesson all the time, GP was the best. Hiding Fatty's shoes, taking videos of him sleeping, singing Phantom of the Opera/Loving You songs and dueling with Walter (Harry Potter style), played contact rugby, catch fish, got closer with the team, bad hair days got cured (most of the time). Cheating the photocopy machine to print my notes for free (no telling the aunty that!).

Playing so much in the J2 year really made me love PJ. I guess I've always liked it there. They didn't have the disgusting Mr Chui/Steven Koh kind of oppression/authoritarian kind of feel. I guess I have to thank Fatty, and Walter. I thought I'd be damn depressed and lonely when Meiyi left.

Every J2 was in the struggle towards A levels together. The stress, the competition, the heavy duty mugging. Everything was all or nothing.

And now. Uni life, to me is really very boring. Maybe because I'm not staying in hall or I haven't participated in any cca. But I mean, you don't see the same people everyday in school like in jc. Although the Caucasian party of eyecandy here is erm, very very good, but still, I think it's quite a lonely life if you don't stay in hall or join any cca.
Actually, to analyse everything I'm getting at, is that I miss the fun and outgoing kind of life in J2.

Not For My Golden Ass.

Wuhoo! I just realised that tomorrow I have no school! One more day of holiday. I'm really dreading the start of school.

Anyway, another good piece of news. I got Spanish level 2 and!!!

Forensic Science!

Yayness.

Hopefully it's as easy as they say.

Anyway, I was reading 8 Days the other day and they were saying that the new shopping mall called ION at Orchard has 2 S$10000 toilet bowl seats, reserved only for VIP and celebrities use.

I mean, hello?

Didn't we just take the pledge at 8.22pm yesterday? ( Actually, I didn't. In actual fact, I was hoping that there will be a delay in the performances then it'll be damn funny if they couldn't say the pledge at the stated time. )
Okay, even if I didn't take the pledge, we all know what it basically means.

Everyone is equal, regardless of race, language or religion. No discrimination is allowed. No Racism.

SO.

What the hell is this meaning of not letting us (the general public) use these 2 S$10000 toilet bowls?

I understand that they think many members of the public would not keep it clean, like leave footprints all over the toilet bowl, bring up the toilet seat then never put it back down, pee everywhere except into the toilet bowls, not disposing the sanitary pads properly, have a generous dump and clog up the toilet bowl pipe...etc etc.

Think about it. If they start with this "ONLY VIPs AND CELEBRITIES CAN USE OUR S$10000 TOILET BOWLS", what will progress from this kind of thing potentially? Next might be, ONLY VIPs AND CELEBRITIES CAN USE OUR SINKS, to........OUR SHOPS. To....OUR MALLS.

What's next? Social segregation?

Well, not only am I pissed that I can't use your S$10000 toilet bowl, I'm even more pissed that you'd think celebrities can use them on their golden asses.
VIPs, still okay, like you know, what the Ambassador of France or whatever dignitary come over to Singapore and wishes to visit ION and then even more have to request to the security officer or whoever that, "Hi, I've heard of your S$10000 toilet bowls that only people like muah (me) can use, could you please tell me, where is it?"

I'm not jealous, I just don't get what they're playing at by doing this.
Like, the well known Dubai hotel that's on an island on it's own and even has a helicopter pad on top of it, if I remember correctly, they have this suite that has a toilet bowl made of gold or something. I mean, they don't state who can or cannot use it, they only require you to be able to pay for it!

SO. If I'm a freaking rich person in Singapore, but I'm not a VIP or a celebrity, I can't use the ones in ION!?

And talking about celebrities, please don't tell me they count celebrities like those Mediacorp actors and actresses. Frankly, I've never liked any of them. Maybe except Zoey Tay because she looks a bit like my sis, and she seems like quite a nice person, from stuff I've read about her. Okay, no being biased. BUT.

Doesn't mean they act in those local dramas then it gives them a right to use the toilet bowls right. Quite irritating you know. Why not I join part time calefare and act in a few dramas serve coffee in the background then self-promote myself to be a 'celebrity'? Okay, I know it doesn't work like that, I'm just trying to exaggerate a little.

What am I getting at with all my complaints?

Well, it's just that I feel they shouldn't define the social classes here like that, or say who can or cannot use the toilet facilities. Isn't it supposed to be a public space? Shouldn't the general public get to use it as well? If you're afraid it'll get dirtied by us, then don't bother to lure VIPs and the so-called celebrities with S$10000 toilet bowls and say these kind of things. Go build a hotel or an expensive restaurant that allows the customers to use it, if they can pay for it. And if you get splurge S$10000 on two toilet bowls, which is total S$20000, surely you can spend a little extra to hire more toilet cleaners to clean it up right, and help boost the economy with more jobs for us, hello!

Am I hearing you say, "But you say 'for people who can pay', isn't it like what you've been arguing about!?"

I'm not defining the rich or the poor. Maybe like person A who is like middle class, has been saving up for a very expensive dinner to show his appreciation for his/her mom for a long time and plans to splurge on this restaurant that has a S$10000 toilet bowl. I mean, it still gives people a choice.

But in this situation now, in real life, it's like a rule. I don't like rules. Especially those that is like despising the general public, with me included. It's quite unfair. And the more I think about it, the more I think about what other high class places can think of to only serve the elite and not us. Won't the line between social classes and poverty level be even more defined, more obvious to the point where one day we'll think, "What started all this?"

Oh, it all started with the 2 S$10000 toilet bowls at ION.

Tails4Whales.

I don't know who the hell added the lipstick mark there but you can be sure it's not me.

Anyway, this is a photo for the Tails for Whales campaign, a global campaign running across every country in the world.

How nice of Alexander Skarsgard to be part of it. He's one of my new favourite actors.

His hands look huge.

Maybe I can email him to do one for my KTOSP campaign.

I hope he doesn't have BO.

Fall From Grace.

Finally my blogger has the upload photos and stuff counter again. So annoying.

I love Topshop. They have the nicest Ernie and Bert undies.

This morning I had a very very depressing dream.

I dreamt that it was the day before the end of the world. It was damn sad. In the dream everyone went back to PJ and there were some dumb cheerleaders dancing and I don't know.

The world would end by like what Fatty said, some solar rays emitting some extra strong rays that would kill everyone on Earth.

And everyone knew that they'll die horribly.

In the dream I called Tracy and we were crying. Yeti wanted to come over to my house for a last visit. I met Fatty in PJ and a lot of stuff.

Anyway, when I woke up I realised my face was very sticky. Not like usual with the stupid morning oil. But with half-dried tears.

Just now I met Fatty for dinner. We wanted to play Left4Dead. We found new maps. So we played for 3 hours and by the time we left the lan shop the mall was quite deserted. We were going on the escalator.

You know some new escalators saved money by having sensors. Like when someone step on it it'll go from stationary to normal speed?

I guess, most probably because of Fatty's strong centrifugal force, or high inertia due to his 0.1 ton weight, he fell backwards. Imagine a fat Boomer waving his arms in the air with a NTUC FairPrice plastic bag and falling backwards.

I would have laughed damn badly if it didn't involved me. Because as he was falling back, he elbowed me in the right neneh. OMG. It's like getting hit in the nuts. Don't ask me how would I know the pain.

WELL. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S JUST AS SENSITIVE RIGHT!?

And soft.

I was in agony when I tried to stay upright and got scratched at the ankle by the stair that was going up. I turned and tried to look at Fatty when!

HAHHAHAHAHA.

Omg, I don't know why I should laugh when I was in such pain but Fatty had the same lying position on the stupid escalator as the time he fell down on the LT3 stairs which I've been laughing at for 3 years!!!!!!!!!

Except, this time there was no Walter to try and save him, and his right hand, which was trying on hold the railing during the LT3 fall, was grabbing tightly to the plastic bag and trying not to bang too hard on the glass wall of the escalator so as to not break the wine bottle in it!!

And he made such a huge commotion with his fall alone that when I was checking around to see if anyone saw our fall from grace, that I saw this uncle below looking up from below with a cup of drink in his hand with his mouth wide open.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Poor Fatty.

I got elbowed in the boob and scratched at the ankles and he got badly scratched on his legs.

And me laughing at him about this forever!!!!!

KTOSP Campaign.

I'm going to start a new personal campaign.

The Keeping Track of Smelly People (that I encounter in a month on Public Transport) Campaign.

Don't say that I'm very free. I just want to prove how smelly people are so attracted to me. With or without them knowing.

Since I'll be starting school soon (according to Ms Lee, 11th August) and I'll be taking public transport more often, it's a good time to start. A few days ago my counter got from zero to one.

I expect it'll exponentially explode next week.

Puer Aeternus

I had a weird dream. Again.

I dreamt that I was Topher in Dollhouse but I was studying in a prestigious science institute and on the day of an eclipse where a few American soldiers were planting a flag on top of a hill (like in the Band of Brothers), I woke up as a Giant Topher wearing only heart-shaped patterned boxers and chased away the soldiers while planting a huge-ass warped American flag instead.

Then I became a wanted man. They wanted to know my formula for becoming a Giant.

So I ran away from them. The other weird thing was that the institute was linked with an airport.

I ran through the customs and the officers were too shocked by me to catch me with this female officer chasing me. Anyway, the chase was for quite a while and it got so bad that Marines were outside the airport waiting to apprehend me.

I'm don't know how I managed to escape the police in the airport and I ran out and disguised myself as one of the Marines. As Sgt. Brad Colbert. HAHA. With weird tattoos on my face.
So we began driving the Humvee and along the way we saw this trench full of multi-coloured cartoonish-looking sharks and Chinese men were slicing off their fins. And leading them was the boy that was in the Tropic Thunder that led the Vietnamese drug-traffickers.

I got angry and shouted, "ASSHOLES!" at them and the boy came to me with a knife. I tried to reason with him that, was he sure he wanted to knife me?, because my Marines are pointing their rifles and SAWs at him.

In my crazed-state of mind-dreaming, I suddenly heard a high-pitched whiny voice.

"Yi yi, can I please have your small Ernie? Please? Please? May I? Please? Why you sleep until so late?"

I peeled my eyelids open and checked out the clock on the wall.

1.20pm only.

Omg. And Hele was trying to climb up on my bed.

"Since you woke Yi yi up so early, no small Ernie for you."

Old People.

My parents freaking pissed me off. AGAIN.

I admit I'm a very temperamental person. But only for the right reasons. If there is such a thing. BUT.

I just went down for dinner. I just bathed at 6pm, so I told my mom that we go down for dinner at 7. She said my dad's hungry. So I told her he can wait because I just saw him freaking eating a packet of biscuits when I came out of the toilet.

At 6.30 my mom came in and asked me to change to go downstairs. I said, "Ya ya.." and continued playing my Crazy Planet game on FB. Which is quite fun, like worms. Anyway, another time for that.

So at 645 my mom shouted, "YOU DON'T HURRY WE GO DOWN ALREADY!"

I didn't reply.

So my father came in and shouted at me to stop downloading, which I was not because I was dutifully playing my restaurant city and crazy planet.

I finished the game and wanted to go down, but when I went out of my room, they weren't there anymore. So I thought they went without me.

5 minutes later my mom called me and asked me to come down. I left my house at my stated time, 7pm.

So I changed and went down. On the way I saw this old uncle dropping his 20 cents coin and trying to find it. I told him he was stepping on it and he said thanks. He looked like a nice grandpa.

When I reached there my father started shouting at the top of his voice. One thing you should know, he has the world's most annoying voice. When he's nagging/shouting/talking bull/thinking he's damn smart/complaining about his neck etc, all the time.

"NEXT TIME I'M GOING TO CONFISCATE YOUR COMPUTER!"

"Confiscate la, you don't have my password also cannot use."

"WHAT, I CAN BRING TO THE APPLE SHOP AND REFORMAT EVERYTHING!"

"Okay, do you dare to do so?"

"WHY DON'T DARE!?"

Then my mom started saying about her clearing the gunny/gully hole or whatever it's called in the toilet and my father started shouting again.

"YOU BETTER STOP EATING THE MAGGIE MEE! SEE YOUR HAIR DROP ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I VACUUM THAT TIME..."

"At least when I vacuum I don't make so much noise. You're such a freaking woman."

My dear mother started on another topic again.

"Er, you better sleep early. Yesterday Hele wake up at 2am you and er jie haven't sleep. See your eye bags."

"YA LO. MORE AND MORE AWFUL."

At this point, half the foodcourt is like staring at me already.

I was freaking pissed. And slightly embarrassed. I looked at my father and saw that actually, his eyebags were worse than mine. Oh ya, you're gonna say he's old and all that shit. So?

Here I am, nicely coming down to have dinner with them and he has to shout so loud. My already half-deaf ears cannot take such high decibels you know.

"Can you stop shouting so loudly, I'm just here."

"I SHOUT BECAUSE I'M ANGRY WHAT!"

I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm not going to have dinner already."

I got up and left. I took the stairs instead of the lift to cool myself off. When I got to my floor on my way to my house I saw the old uncle with his packet of food walking to his door.

My mom just called and said that the food is here and she ordered for me.

"I'm not going down. You can ask papa to shut the hell up."

Popper.

The Humvee jiggles so intensely on the railroad ties, it feels like someone is sawing my teeth. We pull onto the bridge. It's about seventy-five meters long and just wide enough for the Humvee. I look out of my window and see pebbles kicked up by the tires tumble into the water five meters below.

"Just think how easy it would be to drive off the edge right now," Person says.

"Yeah," Colbert says. "You could have an epileptic fit, a bee could sting you or one of your zits could explode."

"That's why I popped them all this morning, so we would be safe."


- Generation Kill.