I've never understood how my work colleagues could talk to one another while trying to do their business in the toilet.
Or even worse, that my work colleagues lose ALL inhibitions when they go into the toilet.
If you're having breakfast/lunch/dinner right now, you might not want to read on.
I was truly horrified when one day in the first week I was working there when this woman rushed in, started singing and proceeded to let loose the Hoover Dam.
She literally sighed a sigh of release you know! And it's not the soft kind of sigh, either.
And straight after that another woman came in and started shitting like mad.
And its the wet kind! I could hear it!
Don't ask me how I could tell.
Its the sort of wet fart, coupled with the sounds it made when her shit splat on the toilet bowl that gave her away.
Serious, and it didn't happen only that day.
I'm a person that craps a lot, both through my mouth and my butt, and even more when I feel stressed, my bowel syndrome gets screwed up and I shit like mad.
Everyday that I go to the toilet and shit, at least one other person will join me in my brown-bear making and the person seriously farts like mad.
I don't know who is it, but everyone does it in my company!
I mean, wouldn't you like try to control the farting if you knew someone else was in the toilet with you?
And the worst thing is that I can spot who came in because of their shoes.
The same shoes I will see when they walk past my office!
And it's always a different pair of shoes that do the shitting and farting, so I know it's not the same old culprit!
So there was one day, I told my boss I needed to go shit (yes, I'm on very close terms with her, enough to inform her I'm shitting) when this woman from Finance saw me in the toilet and started asking me whether I received her cheque and whether I processed her medical claims yet.
For the life of me I didn't know what to do when I answered her and went into the toilet and she went in the adjacent one and started shitting with me while trying to continue a conversation!
I tired to keep my answers short.
I was in pain from the stomachache (I get diarrhoea if I wake up early, which means I get it EVERYDAY when I'm working).
She kept asking questions that tested my memory of whether I did something last week or so.
So can you imagine me trying to carry on a normal working conversation that required me to think hard and trying to to shit/fart at the same time?!
Anyway, I could hear her gasping between breaths while trying to force her shit out.
Meanwhile, I was trying to hold mine in.
Sorry but I feel uncomfortable shitting when there are people near me k.
And judging from my stomachache, I could sense a loud and toxic-smelling fart coming.
So I had to hold it in.
She knew who I was and how could I face her at lunch later if I fart-bombed her?
Anyway, my that colleague from finance is called Doris and her 'kan-chiong spider' personality didn't help things. Meaning she's always very kan-chiong normally, and even more so when she's shitting so it was doubly difficult to control my shitting mode right beside her.
We were talking about her leave entitlement, well more like she was talking about it and I was praying she'd hurry up and finish when suddenly!
BANG! BANG!! BANG!!!
Doris: Aiyo! Who's that! So naughty!
I got a shock of my life and my shit and fart nearly came out.
Then again,
BANG!!!! BANG!!!!! BANG!!!!!!
Doris started cleaning her ass and flushed the toilet and said her kan-chiong goodbyes and proceeded to wash her hands.
Exit Doris.
All that time I was thinking,
DORIS WHY YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!?!
Wait, a minute ago I was hoping she'd leave right? Now I want her there.
There's the mysterious knocker I'm worried about!
What if he came in and raped me?!
And it's so convenient for him because my pants are down too!
Suddenly, me all alone in the toilet was a bit too daunting for me, so I started pulling up my pants. I was thinking if I managed to forestall my shit and fart for that 15 minutes of Doris talking, I could do another 5 more until the knocker went away right?
Well, just when I was going to stand up to wear back my panty..
BANG!!!!!!!! BANG!!!!!!!!!!! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: WTH!?!
Mysterious male voice bellowed: YOU MEI YOU REN!!!? (Anyone in there!?)
I was feverishly thinking how come a man wants to come in and clean the toilet because I made friends with the cleaning aunty and it's her job and I saw her just now so it can't be that she's sick and I don't remember that my company employed any male cleaners and why the hell of all days must this ass come and knock on the door when I'm in?!
I was scared shitless, literally.
For that moment, I was damn scared he'd come in and I'd have my first encounter with a rapist in a toilet.
Anyway, my luck didn't get any better because yes, you guessed it, he came in and started banging around with something and started shouting don't know what language to these other two ladies.
Exit two office ladies.
Leaving potential rapist in the toilet with me.
I heard him hitting something on the hand-dryer thing and playing with the fan (don't ask me why), he proceeded to kick at my door a few times and he left.
WTH!!!!?!!!??!?!
I totally felt not like shitting then. And that my pungent fart got somehow absorbed back into my system by the fear.
After I was sure he left, I quickly ran out from the toilet and went back into my office.
My boss looked up and asked congenially, "How was your shitting?"
"Er..."
Cue massive stomach gurgle and stomach twisting.
"I gotta go again!"
I thought I saw my boss's shocked face when I ran out of her office.
I couldn't care less anymore who else wanted to shit or talk with me about their freaking leave entitlement for the year in the toilet, so I propped a broom behind the toilet door so no one could enter and I shat.
A LOT.
Although you always hear how people would think other people's fart stinks like shit but are okay with their own, I was so not okay with mine that day.
Serious.
I was gagging.
Must be hold in too long.
That and probably the 2 days expired milk I had the night before.
