I've been reading my old posts and I realised how I've changed. Maybe even matured, in the sense of the way I think. I think I was sometimes overly childish with the Shawn and Claryce thing. Maybe I couldn't handle rejection? Oh no, I didnt. I just couldn't stand being lied to, and then being talked bad about for no reason.
I miss JC life. Although lessons in Uni nowadays are much more interesting, I feel that it's all so adult now. You have to be totally independent and I don't feel ready for that. And it seems I'm alone more often. Somehow, I feel a bit lonely at times. Maybe it's because of something else too, but I don't know. There is this void that I'm hesitant to fill, but at the same time hoping for something to happen.
I miss Walter. All those times when I could talk with him about Harry Potter and bickering one another about how irritating the other party is. I miss the life of Rugby. Hanging out with the boys at the table, walking to the shower room after training ends with Sam and the girls.
I know the one word. Nostalgic.
If anyone ask me if I would change anything I did during my JC life, it might not be study harder in my J1 year. It would be to hate Shawn and Claryce less. It seemed like I was so full of hate and anger during the second half of 2005. Although I met Desmond, who totally changed my life, I realised my friends like Yeti and more have always been here for me. I mean, I've always known and appreciated this fact.
I've been reading Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. I think the way she writes really reminds me of how I wrote in my 1st J1 year on this blog. Seems very teenager-ish. OMG. Have I grown old?!
Anyway, the only reason why I've continued reading it is because I don't like to read/listen to stuff halfway. There's only a few exceptions when I bought a book and gave up reading. Like maybe 2. And they were really bad.
I think no one reads my blog anymore anyway. I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling now.
I was on the bus on the way home after my Public Policy test just now, when I was listening to my IPod and I thought about him. I was thinking about what was I actually doing? Why can't I just forget him and let go? I don't know. In the stupid Twilight book, the situation between Edward and Bella kinda reminded me and him.
Continuing to the point I was getting at. I realised and now I can safely say I've not been sleeping in my psych lectures because that moment was called an Insight Learning which involves an Aha! moment. Haha.
So again, I sort of realised that the inevitable would happen soon. He'll get to know another girl in the clubs or something, get asked or ask for the number and another phase of his life would continue with or without me.
I feel sad. It sounds so pathetic. I suddenly feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. For a whole number of different reasons.
I think my subconscious mind is feeling depressed. Is that even a possibility? In Psych we learn that nothing in the human mind is impossible.
I sort of spent my official birthday with Fatty and his Dragon Boat friend, coincidentally also called Desmond. After that when I met Fatty again on a different day he told me he asked Desmond how did he think of me and he said that I was too smart for a girl -_-
I was in the car the other day when I was thinking about the past, and I remembered how unhappy I was all the time after Desmond, not the Dragon Boat one, broke up with me. And this is what I'm talking about, when Bella got into this state she was in when Edward left her. I was like that. I was living because I didn't want him to worry, but I wasn't really living. I didn't try to contact him so he could live the life he wanted to. Because I've always felt that if you really loved someone, you'd want him/her to be happy.
I must thank Fatty for being there all the time when I needed him. I don't know. If it wasn't for him, I'd have like cried quietly during classes when I suddenly got depressed. I held on to the tears because it was frankly, embarrassing and I didn't want like Walter or Fatty to feel awkward and stuff. It's dumb.
And then, when I met Tony, it was like Jacob in the book. I found I smiled again.
But it was never like before. So now I'm back to square one and just the other day my 4th year friend asked me to help her with some marriage survey, and there was this question asking, did coming to Uni changed my perception on marriage?
Yes it has, because it has worsened my view and perception on Singaporean man.
