I realized during that night that I run better at night. Well, I already know I feel more alive in the night than during the day but I did not know that I could run better during the night too.
I totally hate the Yearbook. The Touch Rugby photo is like. Ohgod, if only I could put my pathetic photoshopping skills to use in mosaic-ing our faces. That's the ultimate. It kills me to know that Mr Tan is on the editorial team and he has seen my not-so-decent-looking photo. Just kill me.
And I just want to complain about that bloody Chem test. I made 7 marks of PURE careless mistakes. Can I just die? From a C to A can? And not counting the mark I should get because SOCl2, heat under reflux in small amounts of pyridine is taken exactly from our stupid Hydroxy notes and our friendly chem. teacher says it not because it is in UK conditions. Well, our bloody chem. paper is marked in the UK okay?! You think some old foggy from Cambridge is so going to care whether converting an alcohol to HX compound is done in Singapore's lab conditions when the experiment is done imaginary in the question paper itself?!
It's no wonder that I'm such an uptight person.
Yesterday, Tracy, my BGL and I met after Charlie Chan. We went to watch Apocalypto. OH! I just love it! Adrenaline-rush all the way. Ohmygod, the killing, the bloodshed, the gore, all the running! I was in a state of denial to be pulled back into our current world after watching the movie. It's freaking good. One thing I couldn't understand was, how could the umbilical word be so disgustingly long when the mother held up the baby from her ahem to above the water surface? And how could the different tribes speak the same tongue? And Linan kept saying that it wasn't the Mayans.
The movie is so symbolic. Look at the fat prince sitting by his father's throne and leering at the men about to be sacrificed, comparing to the leanness of the children in Jaguar Paw's tribe. I particularly like, "Fear is a disease. It has already disturbed your peace." And I realized the poster for Apocalypto is not Jaguar Paw himself but one of the Mayan human-hunters. I just want to watch it again and again! It was damn saddening when that impotent man died. I can't believe he ate that Tapir's testicles raw. So much for Fear Factor.
Later we bought some alcohol to drink and I got a bit high. Some light red wine. I tried that Choya drink for the first time that night. Feeling that highness you get from alcohol is numbing. What Tracy asked me rang true. I thought about my answer about how alcohol makes you feel. It's like you feel happy, as though you don’t give a shit about anything and you can do whatever you like, without a care for the world. But at the same time, there's this inevitable sadness, a melancholic state of mind that numbs your senses.
I can't believe I started tearring in Shop and Save! I just kept thinking and thinking and when I saw that irritating actress that was being the 'Spokesperson' for that shop on a sign, I just got so tired of being in this world. What makes three of us so different from others? Our way of thinking, how we feel and all our ideals. It's just different from a normal person's point of view.
Tracy, I hope you feel better now and please try and stop thinking about it!
We bought food and sat at this playground near Westmall. I felt really tired and lay down in this tunnel for kids to crawl through for most of the night. I like spending time with them. I just felt really drained. Well, by saying drained, I nearly peed in my shorts from all that alcohol. The community centre opposite makes you pay 10cents for tissue paper!
Tracy ranted about living this life. So what comes after education? What comes after our As? We get into Uni or worst still, not, into a course that most probably wouldn’t be leading to your dream ambition and start a working life that is monotonous and boring. So what if we earn that money? Why is this world so based on money and sex? We all realize this in the back of our subconscious mind, yet why are we living the life that we tell ourselves not to?
And if you are planning to be a wife of some guy next time, what assures you that your husband would not cheat on you or you yourself will cheat on your other-half? Should life be freaking all about conforming to society's status of normality? I feel so cynical about everything right now because I’m so unhappy.
Unhappy about where my life is about to lead to. Unhappy that I cannot eyecandy Chewy Tan anymore. Unhappy that he has a girlfriend that apparently no one has seen. Unhappy with my results. Unhappy with tuition. Unhappy with tests and exams. Unhappy with my emotions for him. Unhappy about missing you. Unhappy with having to face my cellulite in the mirror. Unhappy about why does size matter to us at all. Unhappy that a cert is going to dictate how our future is next year. Unhappy about woman being looked on as sex objects by men, unhappy about abuse.
I am unhappy that I cannot love without feeling hurt anymore. Unhappy about school, unhappy about teachers, unhappy about friends, unhappy about my family, unhappy about Global Warming, unhappy about subjects I have to study, unhappy about deadlines, unhappy about double standards, unhappy about myself, unhappy about you, unhappy about rugby, unhappy about biased ness, unhappy about superficiality and unhappy about being unhappy and unhappy that I know I am unhappy about being unhappy.
Even worse, I'm unhappy knowing that I'm sitting here writing about all this crap when I should be studying for upcoming tests.
So one might think why the hell am I still alive in this world of time and space? I seriously hate the answer to that. Because I'm feeling depressed and what I want to feel is bliss from what I want to do but am forbidden to. Anyway, it would be really an anti-climax if I got knocked down by a bus or something tomorrow. Especially when I made that vow to someone to what I was willing to sacrifice if I got my file back.
And I should not even be so selfish to think that I have it the worst in life. What, I have air-con and electricity and the handphone and school and family and friends. So why am I so unhappy? Is it because I'm killing like tonnes of trees everytime I take too much toilet paper when I’m going to the toilet or that in using my notes I'm killing more trees? Or even if I become an environmentalist next time, how the hell am I going to help save trees if so much is determined by political power?!
Don't even tell me to have hope and start pro-creating next time just to shut me up, to help our aging-population in Singapore when the rest of the species on Earth is slowly dying out. And what the hell, what if my child is living my life in the future and it might even be more bleak for them?! Or that I will start whacking his/her head when she starts crying? Oh, so they struggle and help to support you when you get old and wrinkly and slow and start needing free medical facilities provided by the government that you actually paid for in the first place. Yes, that is how we get rewarded for contributing in the economy after at least 40 years.
Maybe I should not be so cranky when there are people in worst-off situations compared to me.
Yet, why do I still live?
What are you living for?
