I've been slacking so much recently I think I should start studying soon. I musn't fall behind. Anyway, most of the J2s have finished with their As and Tracy's ending today. I'm so happy for her. I wonder how they'll do. Seriously, I really think being in the previous batch is sooo..stifling. There's no room for error, the competition is so intense and you just end up feeling like you're not good enough.
Having the overall experience of living through both batches gave me a wider scope on how life is like between two years. I must say, most people of this year should consider themselves really lucky that they get promoted. Many of us didn't get this kind of chance last year. I've seen the unfairness that our 'Educators' have dealt with Des's results and his promotional status, how could they give others their chance? I should be happy for the others, of course.
Talking about this. I feel upset when I hear people like the ruggers and even Li Nan saying that they want Desmond to stay another year, if not the team cannot stand and whatever shitnots. I even scolded Li Nan, and for the first time I was real pissed off with him.
Don't worry, your team will stand, nothing will happen to you. It just made me understand that these selfish people don't care about him as a friend. Not at all. They only consider the welfare of their team, how it'll survive and all that. They don't want to overtake his responsibility, they only want to be the person to stand to gain for their so-called 'glory'. Is staying another year going to change anything? Or will it benefit his future? He'd waste his time and the fact is that you know and that you only think about your stupid team. They are all just using him.
Reading through my early entries and some past ones, I realise that I've changed. I've become no longer so naive and react like a hurt animal. I've become cynical and angry that in a way, it might help me but in many ways not. I behave 'aggressively', like a stupid viper hiding in the rocks from Steve Irwin. I guess I can't allow anyone to hurt me anymore. I've always thought that I have already let go of my past, but have I really? Shawn can never know how much he hurt me, how much hatred he catalysed in my body that I've kept in denial through my past till now.
Why do people want me to be mild and superficial like so many others they know? Why should I conform to your kind of normality? It's so boring, the way humans look at things. Why must you expect me to be such an example for you when you don't give me the respect in the first place?
I realise that I have a friend which can be shrewd and superficial. It's quite sad when I think of it. However, I'm not any better but sometimes I just detest the thought that someone close can act this way and it's only now that I realise this. I sometimes get tired of the slowness and the innocence and their thoughts of their prestige from their stupid past. And all this came about after something you said that made me snap. I don't say hurtful things to you because I trusted you. It always seem like the trust I give is always broken, somehow or another.
There are so many things that I wouldn't tell anyone because I know no one can understand. It irks me to see that people try to enjoy their life now as a teen to the extent of not caring about their health. Or even if you live like you're not young forever.
I won't say I don't hate Shawn anymore. And I'm not one of those idiots who'd say, "I won't care about him and I won't think of him anymore because he's not worth it and I'll just leave it up to whoever who will deliver his punishment as there will be retribution."
And then I think of Diogenes Pendergast and I know that there isn't such a thing as God.
Or some God who will foolishly devote their time to deliver retribution to assholes for your sake, so somehow or other I must do it myself.
In thinking about the sadistic manner in which he treated Constance Greene, it makes me feel in turn sadistically attracted to his character. What is essentially wrong with me?
This form of sick, perverse identity we keep into an alternative source in my mind, has been developed through my readings and experiences. Maybe we should keep d'Variall away for another time.
Anyhow, Desmond left with the other ruggers to Bali since yesterday and I miss him already.
It might be this absence of a loved one that has left me feeling so melancholic.
Ah, but to the infinite profanities I can comment about living.
