WHY WHY WHY?

Haven't I mentioned about the other morning when my mom was just turning out of the estate to drive me to school and I was sitting by the car window and ohmyfreakinggod my jaw dropped. There was this caucasian guy and woman walking down the driveway and I nearly died from the view. I mean, seriously, the guy's so damn good looking! And my jaw dropped! I've never seen a guy that made my jaw drop, and my stupid face was plastered on the window.

I bet he saw me and was wondering what the hell was that asian girl doing with her mouth wide open. What a good view to start off the day. So ever since then, I've been anticipating to see him around that area again. The best thing is, he's living at my estate. Who knows, he might even go swimming now and then. Lol.

Anyway, the rugby guys have gone to Malaysia for their rugby trip. I want to go too!!! Eat cheap food, cheap shopping etc. And Tony Francis George Washington will be there too. Damn funny. Yesterday we had training and the field was damn wet! We had the WHOLE field to ourselves at last. So muddy. Training lasted only for a short while and only like 5 juniors came. It's their last training and some of them gave us some gifts! So nice of them.

Well, the mud was all over my leg and after we washed it off, our legs became damn smooth! Everytime I stepped into a wet puddle I'd feel squishy things and think about earthworms squirming about my sole desperately trying to swim away. Or that I'll just squash a toad to death. Eew sick. We then went for dinner and everyone was like teasing one another. Ohmygod, we came up with wierd codenames la. It was a fun day.

My maths teacher is so against me. AHHH.

Yesterday was kind of a depressing day, actually. I didn't expect to see him. And the worst part was that I sort of caught him doing what I hate most. I mean, couldn't you even have waited to leave the school for a bloody fag.

Ya, now I'm in a depressed mood. I don't know if I can forget him. Everyone says it'll take time. I don't want to wait for so long. How can a part of me be missing, just like that? The fact that I keep denying it to myself and not thinking about it is not helping myself either. But I don't want to face it. I have to be in denial. I would go into a black depression if I didn't.

I hate not being able to sleep on some nights. I hate thinking about you and missing things we did together. I hate bringing that handkerchief everyday that supposedly has your smell and taking it out when I need that therapeutic scent. I hate myself to still have all your photographs and messages stored in my phone. I hate thinking about how nice was it to have you behind me, and being dependant on you. How my head fit so nicely in the groove on your chest. I hate seeing how much you've changed. I know I can never get over you completely. I hate this vicious cycle of love and hate. The time when I went to East Coast Park with him, it felt so surreal. He's so different then. The only thing I can say now is that his friends suck.

I miss being loved and showing love. When sometimes I wake up in the morning for pathetic school and I see tissue paper littered about my bed and I have to hate myself for killing more trees. Is it just me or there's this inevitable loneliness when you're single? How can something like this hurt so much? And sometimes I call you late at night when I get to the point of ending everything and yet all I can say is sorry and act like nothing's happened.

I'm so fed up with everything in my life. Why do I feel so lonely. It's not like anyone can ever understand me and stop asking me to chenge my mindset of life and stupid accusations of how scary I am or how bloody old I am. I mean, why do all the wrong people come after me? They either say I'm freaking old or if only I'm 2 years younger or I don't like the other party at all. Why does Singapore have like zero(except for that jaw-dropping caucasian, and he's not even Singaporean, I can bet with you on that) good-looking guys?

Why are there no such decent man in this world? Why can't my dream be lived? Why won't that irritating Chewy Tan just break off with his girlfriend and take care of me and my art!? Or why not that Tony's height shrink abit so I won't be at his stomach level everytime or get crinks in my neck just looking up at him. Why can't DTHR just disappear forever? Or why not I get a memory loss, forgetting everything but normal stuff which I've studied before. Ohmygod, I'm being damn selfish. But can you just let me rant on!

On a sidenote, I finally got to see George's features upclose. Thinking about that time when he looked at me and he knows that I know that he's looking at me. Ohmygod. That did it. I keep thinking about that moment. I couldn't breathe and I just panicked. I think I went to hide behind Sam or something..that's like so dumb.

Anyway, now I know how the true nature of people are like. Subconsciously I've always known. And can everyone stop saying that I'm fierce. Maybe I can get abit offending but whatever. I need something to numb me right now. Can my parents stop asking me how my friends have done. Can they stop comparing me with everybody. Can they stop being so selfish to the extent that it's disgusting. Basically, after talking about Desmond, my mood's dampened. Can I just see that Caucasian guy again. Maybe it might help.


Nobody loves me everybody hates me I'm gonna eat some worms Fat ones Skinny ones Tall ones Short ones I'm gonna eat some worms.

Okay bye.